She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
