Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
