turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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