I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
