Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
