She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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