I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Randomize
