Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
