My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
