How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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