Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
