Just fell off a train. Bad.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i believe in u and ur pee
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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