Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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