We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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