i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
