just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
