You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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