clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i've created a new STD.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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