I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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