I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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