when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
