I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
