Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
