For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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