Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize