Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Pants are for mortals
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
