Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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