its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
