: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
