my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
