My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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