I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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