this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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