Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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