I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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