i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
