Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
