i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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