My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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