I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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