..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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