I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
