He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
