All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
