Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
