when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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