i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
