We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
