Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
