on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
