I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
