break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
