I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
