I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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