Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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