im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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