mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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