He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
