for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
