I just pynch a tree in the face
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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