my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize