FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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