Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
