I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
