The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
