If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize